Mental Illness

I guess this post comes from the horrible news of one of my all-time favorite Actors and Comedians death, Robin Williams. As I even begin to type this, I feel my chest get heavy and my eyes ready to water. I obviously did not know him personally, but the fact that he had a battle with Depression, and lost, hits me very close to home. Many do not understand this serious illness and make comments such as, "he had everything, he was so successful, why did he do this?" It does not matter how much money or what material possessions a person may have, if they are not in their right state of mind and struggle with such illness, it can literally kill them from the inside out.

When I was 16, I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder and Depression. Again, typing this is very hard, as I've always felt ashamed. I missed my second half of Junior year in High School because of the constant anxiety attacks I was having and the lack of enthusiasm I had for life. I was put on Anti-Depressants along with Anti-Anxiety medication. This medication gave me horrible insomnia for days, hence why I could not go to school. I had to have homeschooling for the remainder of the year. This consisted of a teacher assigned by the school district to come to my home once a week and grade the book reports I did for all my classes. I was MISERABLE.

Since then, I have been up and down with my depression and anxiety. I can be okay for a long period of time without being on any kind of medication. I try to do other things to help me rather than sedate myself with mind numbing pills. But then out of no where, I become miserable. I start feeling an all time low and a sadness comes over me. Everything begins to irritate me, I shut myself out and keep myself locked in doors. I can't handle going places alone and get horrible anxiety just going to the grocery store alone. I hate when this happens and hating that it happens makes the situation worse. I try to do breathing exercising and try to calm myself down so I can avoid an attack. Anxiety attacks are not pleasant and take a toll on my life. I completely lose it and cannot breathe. My chest is heavy and it feels like someone is pressing down on me with all their might. I feel weak and feel like at that point all I can do is let it take over. This is not a way to live.

So when I see someone takes their life because of this illness, I can't help but think, "will I get to this point?"

Medication can help. I take it as needed and do not abuse it. Therapy can help. I need to take my own advice but speaking is a lot harder for me than writing is. I am thankful I have a support group of family and a wonderful husband who knows how to handle my anxiety attacks. Not everyone has that.

Im constantly told by my family to pray about it and that God can heal me. Not that I am in disbelief of miracles God can do, but what they do not understand is prayer sometimes is not enough and action has to be taken into effect.

As I conclude this post, I want whoever reads this, to know that if you are suffering with depression, you are not alone. This chemical imbalance in your brain is not your fault. I need to remind myself this every day.

I'm deeply sadden by Robin Williams taking his life and I pray and hope for peace and strength over his family.


-CK