Sick.

I can't control it.
It hits when it wants to hit.
It shows in my face, in my actions, in my sad long face.

But me? Really? Could the hyper ADD child really be dealing with this?
It happens to the best of us I guess.

But what really hurts me the most is the how it effects the one who is closest to me. He tries to make me happy and he does, but when this part of me takes over, I can't show the emotion of being happy. It takes all my energy to try. I'm clinically depressed but I am convinced that it's going away slowly.
I don't get "the sadness" as often as I used too. It usually hits me during the holidays...I medicate myself with coffee and by keeping busy. It's been working for me the last 5 years.....


I keep playing "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz on repeat and it calms me. It reminds me of the love I have with Nathan. And although I completely SUCK SUCK SUCK at showing it to him all the time, I feel exactly what this song says. I'm Yours. You've stolen me completely since the day we met. I knew there was going to be no one else who could even compare to you. The love you've showed me from day one has never slimmed down...in fact it has grown.
You changed my commitment issues and showed me it was possible to be cared for with out being betrayed. And yes at times I am still scared that I'm going to end up being left like my mom was...and that you're going to hurt me like my dad did...and yes I am working on changing that mind set....but it's still here. Please understand that I've been hurt by the only man who was never supposed to hurt me. It's not a wound that can heal after the stitches and neosporin. It's a wound that after 10 years has barely been completely stitched. Now the healing needs to slowly happen...

I love you Nathan, and I'm sorry about my issues and about not being as affectionate. And thank you for putting up with my crazy. Even when you drive ME crazy, I still know that at the end of the night, I'M YOURS.